Mother’s day is such a bittersweet day for me.
I first became a mother in June 1991 when I found out I was expecting my first born. I don’t know the actual date, as I believe I became a mother upon conception. On February 13, 1992 Big Tuna was born. I was almost 33 years old at the time. Who could have known how much love I would feel for this child? I now understood what mothers everywhere knew.
This must be the kind of love that our Father feels for each of us because I would give my life for this child.
In time, we would decide to add another child to our family. But, things did not proceed as easily as before. I had my first miscarriage in December 1995. And two more would follow.
During this period of my life, I struggled with the loss of those precious children. I felt God had abandoned me. I was mad with God. I questioned God. I couldn’t understand why He would allow this to happen when we wanted another child so badly. I looked into domestic adoption, but was so discouraged by everything. All I wanted was another child to fit into our family. A child that looked like our family.
I finally reached a point in May of 1998 where I told God, “WHATEVER!” “Whatever You want, just let me know so I can have peace. If we are to have no more children, then I will be happy/content with the one we have. If we are to adopt, then let us know. If we are to continue trying, just let us know because I am so done with trying to figure it out!”
On January 31, 1999, at the age of 39, I gave birth to Godzilla. This child broke the mold and I taught me that everything I thought I knew about being a mother did not apply to him!
Now that God and I had worked through some issues..I could feel His calling. I tried to ignore it. I felt we were to have more children, but after all of the miscarriages and now at the age of 42, I did not want to go through it again. But, God has a way (and I learned a sense of humor).
One day I took both the boys to the dentist. As I was getting out of the car, another family was getting out of their vehicle. There was a mother, 2 boys (like mine), and a little Chinese girl. We all went in the dentist’s office at the same time. I was sitting in the waiting room reading a book to little Godzilla, when the little Chinese girl came over an sat down next to me and handed me a book. I looked at her mother who was busy reading a magazine. So there I sat with a child on both sides of me, reading a story. That is when God spoke to my heart and said, “This is what I want you to do.” “WHAT???”
I could not stop thinking about what I felt God was asking me/us to do. To make a long story short, it wasn’t easy peasy because God’s hand was in it. You see, I had what we refer to in the adoption community, a Reluctant Husband (or RH). God may have spoken to me, but apparently not to Captain Daddy. But, eventually, God did speak to Captain Daddy…
…and on July 11, 2005 this precious child was placed into my arms.
And who would have thought that on June 29, 2008…
this brave little girl would walk into my arms.
These two precious girls, born to different mothers, call me “Mama.” The depth of the tragedy and magnitude of the privilege are not lost on me.
I cannot help but think of their birthmothers, ayis, and foster mother on this day.
These are my children. Including CL who was grafted into our family when he was 8 years old. I love them fiercely.
I am missing my own sweet Mama, and my sweet Mother-in-love on this day.
Yes, this is one of the most bittersweet days of the year.
Happy Mother’s Day y’all!
