To “My CWA Girl”:
A few months ago I was helping a friend of mine learn to “navigate” through various adoption agencies special needs children lists. I was do this for my friend, not for me. I have learned much about the adopting a child from China having adopted twice. I like to help others and to use this knowledge that I have acquired.
As I was scanning through the listings, I came upon you. I stopped. I looked into your face. I left your listing and continued to show others to my friend. When my friend left, I came back to you. There was just a sweetness about you. I read the information provided by the agency:
Female. Type B Mediterranean anemia.
“She was sent to the children welfare center on Sept 29, 2001, now she is living with foster family. She is a student of first grade. She is a little slow in learning but she is a hard working girl. She is serious about learning. She can manage her daily life and also tries to help sometimes such as washing clothes, sweeping the floor, cleaning dishes. She is a cheerful girl and loves to laugh. She likes to do rope skipping with other kids; she likes to play with dolls and other kids’ games. She is a polite girl and is polite with others. She loves to help other kids. She respects teachers in school. All teachers, foster parents and other students love her very much.”
Your birthday is a few days earlier than The Queen’s. That makes you 8 years old, well 8.5 years old. You would fall between Godzilla (11 years old) and The Queen (5 years old). You would be a nice fit in the family. I watched the video of you. You seemed so shy, but not in a scared way. Just shy. The woman in the video let you pick a hair barrette out of a bag and you picked a tao mei (strawberry). Tao mei is one of the few Chinese words I can understand when spoken. I have learned what I call “toddler Chinese” having taken lessons with The Queen when she was younger. The lady put the barrette in your hair and you just beamed! What a pretty little girl you are!
I could not get you off my mind. I still can't. This is not a good thing for me because, as Captain Daddy puts it, “We are done.” And we should be as we have 4 children with one starting college next year. But, I know those words don’t mean anything to you because you don’t need and excuse, you need a family.
For the past the past 5 months I have visited you on the agency list almost everyday. I shouldn't, but I have imagined you in our family. I wonder where you are in China. What is your name? What would would you like your name to be? I wonder how you are feeling. If you are well. Are you being taken good care of? I worry about you. How would you like having big brothers and younger sisters? Knowing we "are done" I have advocated for you on my blog as well as other Yahoo! groups. My cyber-friend Annie has advocated for you as well. I have given your information to a friend hoping maybe that her family is meant to be your family. I pray for you every night. I know God cares deeply about orphans. It was one of the few things He directed us to do, “to look after orphans and widows in their distress. (James 1:27)”
All I can say to you is that I am ashamed and I am sorry. I am sorry that you haven’t found your family. I am sorry that we won't be your family. I am ashamed because I feel that adopting you is an impossibility for our family. I have limited God not to do the absolutely impossible in my life. Like the children of Israel, I have seen God do the impossible in my life, yet I fail to believe He can. It is my stupidity or my lack of faith. I fail to even ask Him to do the impossible. All of the responsible arguments come to mind, "we have 4 children with one going to college in the fall", "the econmomy is so bad, we are lucky to keep our head above water", "the direction of health care in this country is scary and you will need health care", "how can we afford adoption now", "we are done." More excuses.
I feel our time together is short as the CCAA is changing how the Special Needs program works. Maybe you will have a better chance at finding your family with the new system. That is if your file gets re-listed.
So my prayer for you is not just that you will get a family. My prayer is that God will do the absolutely impossible in your life.