Monday, May 13, 2013

Mother’s Day

Mother’s day is such a bittersweet day for me. 

I first became a mother in June 1991 when I found out I was expecting my first born.  I don’t know the actual date, as I believe I became a mother upon conception.  On February 13, 1992 Big Tuna was born.  I was almost 33 years old at the time.  Who could have known how much love I would feel for this child?  I now understood what mothers everywhere knew. 

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This must be the kind of love that our Father feels for each of us because I would give my life for this child.

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In time, we would decide to add another child to our family.  But, things did not proceed as easily as before.  I had my first miscarriage in December 1995.   And two more would follow. 

During this period of my life, I struggled with the loss of those precious children.  I felt God had abandoned me.  I was mad with God.  I questioned God.  I couldn’t understand why He would allow this to happen when we wanted another child so badly.  I looked into domestic adoption, but was so discouraged by everything.  All I wanted was another child to fit into our family.  A child that looked like our family.

I finally reached a point in May of 1998 where I told God, “WHATEVER!”  “Whatever You want, just let me know so I can have peace.  If we are to have no more children, then I will be happy/content with the one we have.  If we are to adopt, then let us know.  If we are to continue trying, just let us know because I am so done with trying to figure it out!”

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On January 31, 1999, at the age of 39, I gave birth to Godzilla.  This child broke the mold and I taught me that everything I thought I knew about being a mother did not apply to him!

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Now that God and I had worked through some issues..I could feel His calling.  I tried to ignore it.  I felt we were to have more children, but after all of the miscarriages and now at the age of 42, I did not want to go through it again.  But, God has a way (and I learned a sense of humor).

One day I took both the boys to the dentist.  As I was getting out of the car, another family was getting out of their vehicle.  There was a mother, 2 boys (like mine), and a little Chinese girl.  We all went in the dentist’s office at the same time.  I was sitting in the waiting room reading a book to little Godzilla, when the little Chinese girl came over an sat down next to me and handed me a book.  I looked at her mother who was busy reading a magazine.  So there I sat with a child on both sides of me, reading a story.  That is when God spoke to my heart and said, “This is what I want you to do.” “WHAT???”

I could not stop thinking about what I felt God was asking me/us to do.  To make a long story short, it wasn’t easy peasy because God’s hand was in it.  You see, I had what we refer to in the adoption community, a Reluctant Husband (or RH).  God may have spoken to me, but apparently not to Captain Daddy.  But, eventually, God did speak to Captain Daddy…

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…and on July 11, 2005 this precious child was placed into my arms.

And who would have thought that on June 29, 2008…

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this brave little girl would walk into my arms.

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These two precious girls, born to different mothers, call me “Mama.”  The depth of the tragedy and magnitude of the privilege are not lost on me. 

I cannot help but think of their birthmothers, ayis, and foster mother on this day. 

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These are my children.  Including CL who was grafted into our family when he was 8 years old.  I love them fiercely.

I am missing my own sweet Mama, and my sweet Mother-in-love on this day. 

Yes, this is one of the most bittersweet days of the year.

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Happy Mother’s Day y’all!

1 comment:

Musings from Kim K. said...

Happy belated Mother's Day. What a gorgeous family you have. Your story is a precious one.